you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
