My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
