I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
