Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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