If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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