so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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