My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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