My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize