I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
