I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
