I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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