Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
