had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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