yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
