I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize