I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
