even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
