Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
