New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
