She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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