Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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