i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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