My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
