I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize