Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
