Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I need water and some morals
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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