I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I didn't notice because vodka
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
