You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
