his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
