It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize