My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i've created a new STD.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize