Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize