I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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