her facebook's as public as her vagina
two words: eviction party
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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