I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
