Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
