She is in my trunk
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Randomize