I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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