how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
ok first of all what the fuck
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
