Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
