he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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