Where is the hickey?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
