she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
