Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
