I'm so fucking centered right now
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
