I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
