he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
