I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Found the puke drawer
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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