The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize