hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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