I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
