Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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