She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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