You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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