your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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