If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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